An Ode to My New Kitten

There comes a day in every gay man's life when he says to himself, "I really think I need a cat, so I can learn to give fewer fucks about the people I find myself plagued by on a recurring basis." 

The feline is a majestic creature with few emotional ties. Their aversion to authority and fixation on good hygiene is something I can really relate to. I can't help but respect an animal who can still look chic with one leg hiked bolt upright in the air to groom it's genitalia while simultaneously daring any onlookers to comment on the spectacle. There's something equally beautiful about the way cats show affection. If the front claws are left in, there's never a moment where your cat will let you forget the power it holds over you. Even in it's happiest state, when your cat is laying on your chest whilst demanding your hand's constant contact, it kneads your flesh like it's priming meat for Sunday dinner. Cats are in charge, and that's just how it is. 

Miranda (Priestly) and (Tina) Fey plotting revenge on their captors after taking a bath to de-flea. "They crossed the wrong bitches."

It may seem a wee bit hypocritical that a mere three posts prior to this one, I made some derogatory quips about my "cat friends." What can I say, I'm full of surprises. You guys can start coming over again I guess. 

 I didn't understand your situation before, but now I'm eclipsed by whisker love. #CatLifeForever

I Like Pretty Shit

I'm broke, I'm young, and I own a lot of nice things. I also like to eat at trendy places where four cocktails cost more than a full tank of gas. Are my priorities outside the norm due to my obsession with owning and experiencing beautiful things? Yeah, probably. Do I buy these things because the rude thoughts people could have about me will adversely effect my self esteem? No, I do it because nice things brighten my day, and make me proud to own them. Some people hide their bargain barn purchases deeper inside their closets than the site I used to set up camp for 17 years. I wear a shirt I bought at Walmart three years ago on a regular basis. If it makes me feel proud of the way I look it's well worth paying retail, be it from Barney's or Dollar General. 

Confusion is paramount when people criticize products I choose to indulge in by saying, "I can't buy expensive things because I won't take care of them." I don't mean to rain on your parade, but that doesn't have a damn thing to do with me. If I spend money on a product, I intend to keep it for the duration. If you endeavor to own nice things how can you not also endeavor to take pride in your possessions? 

In the same vein, when people tell me they can't go to nice places with me because they "don't belong there," I have a correspondingly hard time accepting their sentiments. If you don't understand my buying items to further my confidence, how can you not feel confident in any situation by default? Those who criticize the well dressed often offer up nuggets of condescension such as "I'd never spend that much on sunglasses, I don't care what people think of my clothes." Well, if that's the case, what qualms should you foster towards going somewhere for cocktails or dinner where people go to take a break from their monotonous routine? For some, like me, paying a little more for a drink to let someone else take care of everything for a little while so I can enjoy my friends and a change of scenery seems moot. The opposition says I'm an elitist, but in actuality I'm nothing more than an equal opportunity indulger.

Listen, I get it. You're all concerned for my well-being, you want me to save my money so I can be a functioning adult. Rest assured knowing I'm higher functioning than most, and there's no part of me that cares for your judgement. I don't buy nice things and go nice places because your opinions of me have any baring on my happiness, but the things I call my own do. Isn't that what really matters?

Hop off, world. 

Sincerely, 
An angsty, slightly inebriated 21-year-old.

The Bling Ring; America's Love for the Outlaw

Thursday night I saw #TheBlingRing. Killer wardrobe, and an expertly crafted soundtrack to maximize gluteus bounces. One of the recurring themes in the movie talks about America's predilection for a good "Bonnie and Clyde" story. 

I definitely fit that mold, I can't help but devour a bucket of popcorn as I watch the proverbial train wreck unfold. But, in this case I think it goes a little bit further than a Bonnie and Clyde fixation. There's a certain degree of glamour that comes with breaking free of societal norms, even if that means breaking the law. Robin Hood has been a household name for as long as anyone can remember, and factually, he was a thief. Forgetting who he stole from/for takes away the legitimacy of his legacy. Robin Hood was a rebel, fighting the law for the greater good. Factually, these kids were the same. Stealing from the rich to give to the less fortunate (themselves). I think the part of this story that hooked most people was the irreverence with which the kids conducted themselves once apprehended. They continued to insist they did nothing wrong despite mountains of evidence, and even jail time. I can't deny that I have a certain degree of respect for a group of high school kids with enough balls to look America directly in the face and say "fuck off." They collectively stole upwards of $3 million worth of goods from Hollywood's A-List celebrities, were caught with the stolen goods in their possession, and still tried to save face. Perhaps their false sense of teen invincibility was a tangible reminder of youth for a lot of us, but I think we can't help but tip our hats to those who color outside the lines. Their boldness combined with the fact that they stole from those who had entirely too much to begin with endeared them to us in a cynical way. Misery loves company, and there's a party in the USA.

Delectable or Rejectable; Your dating profile

I recently watched a video (click) about social networking that said 1 in 5 relationships meet online. This video (<- CLICK) also said 3 in 5 gay relationships meet online. The only people who throw me shade for online dating are my friends who are super into cats, and friends who are in long term loving relationships (go away). The following guidelines are mostly intended for my homosexual brethren, but flamboyance isn't a stranger to the estrogen party, so ladies take heed as well.

Here are some online dating "Don'ts" to consider before filling out your next online profile:

• Grammar: Aside from basic punctuation and spelling out all your words like an adult, there isn't much to be said here. I've become quite efficient at sifting through the haystack of boys to find my shiny needle. Are you so pressed for time that typing three letters for "you" instead of "u" is justifiable? At least pretend to be educated. Next.
• Exclaimation Points: Enthusiasm is great in real life, but not so much in a text box. Calm the fuck down. If you want to win you have to play the game and being over excited is not sexy.
• Less is more: All dating sites have the same opening salvo. The first thing they tell a new user is the more descriptive you are, the better luck you'll have finding a match. This is the great lie of online dating. While it is important to let your personality peak out, putting all your cards on the table is like the kiss of death to your profile's traffic. No one wants to read a paragraph outlining your stringent criteria that must be met by anyone who shows interest in messaging you. That list is the reason your genitals are akin to the sand dunes of the Sahara Dessert in the first place. 
• Truncate your thoughts: If by some miracle of the cosmos you trick someone into messaging you, hold yourself together. When someone asks you how your day was, try and keep yourself from launching into an hourly play by play of your daily routine. Provide little nuggets of information so delicious and interesting that he can't help but respond with more questions. This initial conversation should look like a perfect match of tennis. Back and forth. The playing field must remain level.
• Don't let your Diva show: Whether or not you think you're above the rest of us looking for love on our computer screen, the fact is you aren't. So shut up. For example: "I mean I don't really know why I'm even on here. What is this box supposed to say? I probably won't check back often, I'm busy AF. Message me if you want, I'm a serious catch. My friends are as chic as I am and if you've never been inside Bergdorf's you'll never be inside me. If I don't respond it's because you're probably not on my level. Please go away. #SorryNotSorry" There is not a person on the internet who finds this charming, and you'll probably receive more than a few messages with the sole intention of knocking you down a peg or ten. So honey peel off your skinny jeans, sit down, and try writing something a little less offensive.
   
• Modern blind dates: Just because you have serious chemistry with someone online and you make each other ROFL and LMAO endlessly with your witty banter and self deprecating humor, does NOT mean you'll have chemistry IRL (in real life). Treat first dates as blind dates. You're starting from scratch. Keep in mind that when someone types "LMAO" their buttocks probably hasn't dispatched itself from their body due to the hilarity you've deployed from your keyboard. If you're lucky the joke elicited a smirk.

If you've followed my advice this far that means you've successfully navigated your way into a blossoming relationship (ha!). Congratulations. Comment and let me know how it feels to depart the island of misfit toys. I will leave you with one piece of advice though. Think before you text. There is an extreme difference between saying "Miss ya" and "I miss you." "Miss ya" is reserved for a friend who has gone away for a few months. Text me "I miss you." and then watch me metamorphose into a pile of jello.